Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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