Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
