Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize