i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
