whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
