We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
