You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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