So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
