I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
