They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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