can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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