i permit you to call me
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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