sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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