I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
