she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
