just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize