I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
