I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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