I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize