the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
