Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
