New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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