update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
