I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
