If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
