I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
