i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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