I'd wear matching sweaters with you
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Randomize
