i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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