So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
