i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
