my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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