I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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