well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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