Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
