if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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