I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Duck Duck Cougar?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
