Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
This house was built for laser tag.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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