He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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