I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
