we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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