don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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