An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
