Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
