We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize