Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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