There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
