she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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