Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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