But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize