The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
