You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
