I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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