Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
