im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
