i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
