WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
