Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
